Therapy

The following is out of the ordinary, but at this point I think it will be therapeutic. I usually don't remember my dreams but lately they've been very vivid. From spiders and ants to napping with polar bear cubs in the sunshine and other juicy, heart-racing dream content, I've spent my days lingering in dreams; most of them aren't that great though. Over and over I see a broken window, over and over I'm cleaning up dust from finger printing around the house, over and over I'm getting the news that a huge chunk of my life went into the river, and I'm looking into the cold, rushing water but can't reach it (in my dreams it's a large book, but I know it's the computer).

I don't know what to say tonight.. I'm so angry right now.. I don't know where it came from, what triggered it, or why it's still there.. Steve, I'm so angry with you, still... Everything you did to me, took from me... Everyday that I look over my shoulder.. Every simple freedom, peace of mind and documented thought, feeling, photograph that you stole from me.. I think about it everyday and I've tried to just let it go, I've tried to convince myself that it's okay, they were just snapshots and I'll just deal with looking over my shoulder all the time.. but I can't, it's exhausting and I really don't believe they were just snapshots and I'm tired of being so anxious... they were memories, they were art, life, love, friends, they were pieces of my life, moments and occasions that I'll never see as clearly as I could before. They were a part of me and you just smashed through my window, stole it and threw it in the damned river!?

You stole more than just a stupid computer that day; you stole my sense of security, you stole my memories, you stole hours and hours and hours of work. I know you read this blog, and maybe you don't care but I don't feel safe anymore, it's not my fault you do these things; for whatever reason you're not able to stop and think just long enough to control yourself, you've proved it over and over.. what is the next thing to go into the river, me? Stop trying to talk to me when you see me, pretend I'm not there.. I want to forget all about you.

I have better things to do than feel this way