It's a boy!

But it's not mine :)

What a difference just one day (and a good nights sleep) can make!

Look out world! I'm back!

*okay, so maybe I'm not back full force.. I'm still missing someone.. a specific someone and distraction only goes so far*

You're lucky I'm holding a baby right now.. or, or.. I don't know.

Hand-written notes II

When I wrote Hand-written notes, having someone jot down "no man could ever love you" was not exactly what I had in mind. I'm sorry I ever open that line of communication again; FUCKTARD. Your asshole opinion couldn't have come at a better time, sheesh!

fan-fucking-tastic

Day 124

I am in a blogging rut.

It's not a lack of thoughts that keeps me from blogging my little heart out; maybe it's a lack of courage? 

I know it probably seems that I share everything that crosses my mind.. I don't.

I ration out bits and pieces of thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I come up with a few paragraphs in the last few moments as I run out the door, sometimes I stare at the screen for a few hours and only produce one. lame. sentence.

There are times that I'm so busy over-thinking what I'm thinking and feeling that I can't organize my thoughts enough to share them; other times I'm so flooded with an emotion, be it positive or negative, that what ends up pouring from my hands needs a decoder.

Sometimes I come back to a post, usually within hours, and add, delete or change things-so pay attention or you might miss something good ;)

No matter what I write I'm confident in my 'voice'; I know that those of you that actually know me and take the time to read this can hear me. You hear my voice, know my facial expressions and can see the happiness, irritation and sadness in my body language... hahahahaha!!!

 I'M IN YOUR HEAD!!

what's on the agenda tonight?

Magic my ass

Sand in my eyes and lead in my chest. I know I'm not doing a good job at faking indifference, but staying distracted seems to be a good start.

they're just hands, nothing magical, ha. ha. ha.

Forced busyness

It's been a long, hard, busy, exciting, disappointing week. I'm exhausted but I can't and won't stop.

I don't like this, and that just made it worse.

Stupid blog

I'm feeling pretty self-destructive lately.

Not Brians best work, but I don't care very much today.

Just sayin'

Don't mess with the cook. Unless you have mixed her a drink.

Females are more likely to poison someone than squish them with a potato masher.

My plan (still) sucks

Well I saw that coming from a mile away and I'll admit I'm more than a little disappointed. Perhaps the fact that I have so much stress in other parts of my life is a blessing in disguise at this point; I don't have a lot of free time to think about being disappointed.

**I wrote those previous thoughts this morning and very soon realized how inaccurate they were; I have plenty of time to think of how disappointed I am, and I thought about it all. day. long.**

So my plan is based loosely around getting back in the groove creatively with what free time I can scrape together and in doing that, hide from the world... or I'll just keep drinking. This might be the fastest I've felt the need to edit a post... I don't like this plan. I was okay with things. Without getting all 'doom and gloom' here, I'm not feeling like a shiny happy person right now.

photo by Cory Brennan... thanks pal, great job

_DSC2613.NEF

Sometimes I wish there were three extra hours in each day, two to do whatever I want with-like take out my camera, read, fuse glass, watch a chick flick or write, and one to put toward sleep.

I need a little extra laughter today, lots of smiles and a hand to hold; I know, I'm all sappy under my crunchy bitchy coating... I can't help it :) it's me.

I know that you don't know, it's okay.

Thanks for asking...

Well, since you asked how my day has been... oh wait, you didn't... oh well... 


I spent hours waiting to hear from the hospital, then hours at the hospital, then another hour transporting and checking Sabrina into the crisis unit at Sweetser... again.


I need to be wrapped up in a pair of strong arms for the evening; a safe place to stay warm where no one can hurt my heart. There doesn't seem to be any safe place for me lately; I'm weary and restless.... 


......and I have to take a stupid photo of myself.


I'm making Thanksgiving dinner this year.. it will be yummy but the boys don't really appreciate the effort. Sabrina will be at Sweetser, my friends have their own things going on and so does the rest of my family... So I will spend an entire day preparing a feast for two boys who will only want pie and pickles and for myself who will be so tired of looking at food by the time it's done that I won't even have any. Joy. What the hell.

no... I feel bad

I was made to be broken... 
             have you ever heard bones snap?... 
that sick feeling in your stomach... 
                                          .....that feeling is me.

It's a day... edit

Sundays are so nice, Mondays are better ;)

lazy

**you know what? I hate that person in the photo you see.. she acts so tough, strong, competent.... she fucking hates herself... it's all a show... she hates herself for not having control, for being so soft, being weak.. she never asks for help but is mad because she's on her own and no one helps... it's stupid, I know.. every time she says she hates something, it's because she hates herself... you're better off to stay away**

stay away

Day 115

I don't want to blog.

I had a great morning, a great afternoon and now I'm going to have a great evening.

shhh... don't bug me tonight.

Anywho

Tonight should be interesting...

... as good as it gets ...

Monotonous meltdown

I'm starting to feel a lot like I did 6 months ago, like an island; not really doing much aside from going to work and coming home, trying to act like I'm okay with that.

It's dark out at 4pm... I'm chilled to my bones... bored... tired... kinda lonely... the colder it gets, the less motivation I have... I just want to take a steamy shower, get in my sweats and snuggle under a warm blanket on the couch... sounds simple enough, right?

I'm going to fake indifference now.

how am I doing?

3.62

It was about this time last year, mid November, that I submitted my last assignment and finished two years of college. It was the next day that I felt exhausted, totally and completely exhausted. An entire year later and I'm still exhausted everyday, it sucks.

I would like to hide out for a while. I'm not feeling very confident in some areas of life and I just want to rest.

feeling sort of numb about it all

Unreachable I am

Stuffing myself with spaghetti and meat balls then getting pajamified I am.

Growing weak, the force is.. yes... 

So. Nice.

It was so nice at the beach today. So. Nice.

I had such a great day today and surprised myself several times when I realized I was smiling for no reason :) Or maybe there was a reason ;)

okay, now I see the benefit of using a flash even when it's sunny :)

Interruptions

I was going to take a quiet 5 minutes to spit out a half way decent blog, but it looks like Brian has other plans for me. As soon as I choose a direction for todays blog he asks a question or shows me something requiring me to pay attention.. I don't feel like paying attention right now. Eh, I suppose that's just the way it is.

Did you know that....
I hate it when....
It seems like everyday....
You do the same things....
Over and over and over and over and over....
But you really don't get anywhere....

But I wake up hopeful anyway.. 

Hand-written notes

I'm not really feeling super-fantastic today. I've got the asshole kind of butterflies in my chest, not really sure what to do about that. There isn't much I can do I suppose, just live this moment, forget the past and never mind about the future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conversation that happened between silly giggles and moments of silence that left me wondering if I'm the emotionally retarded one; really wondering if that is, in fact, the case. It's entirely possible.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart needs to go on vacation... so here's the deal... I've gently packed it behind some very thick walls where it will be safe and sound. If it is necessary for you to reach said packaged weakness, please jot down a hand-written note and I'll be sure to pass it along ;) Until its return, please rest assured, it's business as usual; you probably won't even notice a difference :)

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:)

The Hunt for "The" Red October?

n" Stuff!

;)


... well that's what I get for asking a man to write my blog... I know, I deserve it for not doing it myself ;) ... today was okay, tonight was interesting...

Mike says it's national metal day, but I don't know about all that shit... LOOK OUT THERE'S AN IRISH MAN BEHIND MY CHAIR!!!

"you don't like zucchini?"... "actually I'm very allergic to it.  JUST KIDDING!"

Is it 2015 yet?

It's been another long day.
I don't really have much to say here, hopefully I'll snap out of it soon. Sorry.

I'm a little bummed I didn't get to see Turkey Butt today :(

My advice to you

Why don't you go outside and play go hide and blog yourself :)

Song stuck in my head? Runaway, The Corrs

Rockstar headache

I've had the mother of all headaches since earlier this afternoon, there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.

I picked up Sabrina from the crisis unit yesterday where she spent 9 days; it didn't make one bit of difference. I have to say I'm not all that surprised that she didn't come home after school today; back to calling the police everyday and reporting her missing. Joy.

I had a great lunch with my favorite guy :) Voted :) and there is a delicious smelling chicken roasting away in the oven :) Who's hungry?

Day 104

I'm sleepy

It's been a long day, there have been a lot of long days lately... sometime I'll fill you in on the details but for now I'm just going to get pajamified and relax :) here's to a good night's rest ;)

snuggly warm

I've got a feeling

I woke up this morning feeling like there were big changes coming. The last time I felt this way it was only a few short weeks before those big changes started taking place. I won't get into the details because they weren't all that pleasant, but in the end it was all for the best. Something is happening behind the scenes ;)

The air smells so crisp and sweet today and I feel an inch taller than yesterday. I love fall.

I feel great today!

Appreciation

In the past couple of months there have been a handful of mornings that included sleeping in followed by eggs, coffee and conversation across the table; simple enough, but they stand out to me. I said out loud after such a morning how nice it was, that it felt good to spend that kind of time together and immediately I felt thankful and embarrassed at the same time. 

I was thankful simply because I've really never had encounters like this, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's entirely true. To just have 20 minutes to have a real conversation, no distractions, with a person that, like me, can be serious and silly in the very same sentence is a gift. 

I think the embarrassment came from the realization that in the almost 33 years I've been alive, I never had something that millions of other people have and take for granted. I felt poor in that moment, realizing for the first time I was missing something basic; it was a bitter-sweet moment. 

now this is a bad photo, haha!

100 days of Jessness!

I'm shocked and amazed that I've stuck with this project for 100 days straight; only 265 more to go.... ouch.

Anyway, I feel great today!

.... sitting with my back to the sun and enjoy the sound, intention pulled from thin air. Warm and comfortable behind me, the sun is warm but the moon dances, pulling, grinning, tempting. The sun smiles but promises nothing... no promises from anywhere..

he's not creepy, he's just weird 

Oops, my bad

For some reason I thought today was day 100 of this silly blog.. it's not, tomorrow is though ;)

I had a busy, overall decent day today but all of a sudden my head hurts; maybe because I haven't eaten in 12 hours?

I promise to put an effort into breaking away from the "two sentence blog" thing I've been doing lately.

Where's the party

It's been a mostly uneventful day so far. Some smiles, a little flattery, phone calls, text messages. Nothing super-exciting. I'm feeling a little too stationary the past couple of days, I think it's time to get out of the house for something besides work and kids :) so what is everyone doing on this fine Wednesday.. I need something to do.

art therapy

That was a very strange statement today... strange indeed...

"There you go.
Once again.
You missed the point.
And then you point
Your fingers at me.
And say that I've said not to believe.
... I believe." (well I did, not that it matters now)

All I can do

Holy shit, I'm almost at day 100 and I seriously considered skipping today.. guess I can't throw in the towel quite yet.

I've been watching way too much Parenthood today thanks to Netflix. While I've loved the show since being introduced to it, it depresses me in a strange way; life isn't broken down into problems that can be creatively edited and solved in 43 minutes. Life is messy, stressful and disappointing.. mine certainly is lately, and there isn't much I can do about it; just take one day at a time, do what I can and hope for the best.

On the flip side of the "life is messy" statement I am very grateful for the good things in my life, and there are plenty of good things to be grateful for :)

It will turn out better than fine :)