Reflection 2011

 Holy shit! What a year; jam-packed with great friends, old and new, and a couple of dominating life lessons.

I learned this year that no matter the circumstance, I have no control over the decisions, views and behaviors of other people. Sounds like a no-brainer, I know. From the ex-boyfriend of a year and a half ago to my own daughter of 15 years, they are making their own decisions and creating their own futures.

Sabrina is a young adult who, like every young adult before her, thinks she knows all and is invincible; and like a lot of us, she will wish she could turn back the clock someday and do things differently. In the meantime, I'll do what I can to help her along; but I know now that I can't do it for her. Love ya Bean.

Steve... Now what I learned from him this year is similar to the "Sabrina Lesson" in that I can't make his choices for him. But the lesson that really has been staring me in the face this entire year is that while I felt compassion and empathy for him, he didn't deserve my patience. I won't ever, in regards to anyone, make that mistake again.

Now on to better things; my friends, old and new. I have a soft spot for my Bebes family, yes, even you Pam, haha! You guys and gals are great! Of course I love my REAL family; everyone should know that my relatives are the most, awesome, funny, crazy, creative, caring bunch of lunatics ever! Then there are the handful of people that made my year better than the last: Robyn Reeves, BJ & Joe Melick, John Read, Emily Carnes, Tony Charlton & Frank Martin, you guys are awesome and I'm so grateful for your friendship. (If you are not named then you're even more fantastic and I didn't want to make the others feel bad, haha!)

As for a new years resolution... Let's just say I'm not writing anything in stone, however, I would like to write a book ;)

Happy New Year everyone!
Make every day count :)

The Rest

catching up on some well deserved rest :)

zZzZzZz

I'm exhausted; I just want to snuggle and sleep.

Save my Sanity!!

What an exhausting 24 hours.... Again. And it's not over yet.
I'm not sure what's going on this year; very small stretches of happy times are annihilated by one shitty thing after another. What the hell is going on?! No one is perfect including myself but I have not done enough wrong to earn this kind of karma, I'm certain of it.

NO MORE.

I am tired. So. Tired. Sick and tired of worrying, stretching myself so thin taking care of everyone and everything else, having no energy left to take care of myself with. 

I've faked indifference in the recent past and failed miserably, but it gave me some practice; it's time to get real.    

Check!

I'm feeling extremely unproductive over the past couple of days. I mean shouldn't I be doing laundry or something instead of sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start? Haha, I suppose I'm being hard on myself, but its true, I feel like I should be accomplishing something. I DID finish my to-do list and I suppose I am either creating loopholes for myself or people are supposed to put fun things on their lists... When I get home I'll be able to cross 'take the boys to the movies' off ;) Tomorrow I want to cross off 'go to the Apple store' anyone want to come with?

Driftwood

 

I'm all talked out tonight; maybe later I'll get a second wind but it won't be filtered through the chicklet keys on my phone. 

I'm going to work on my to-do list tonight and with a little motivation and some help I may actually get something accomplished this week. 

Wish me luck ;) 

the 'no photo' photo blog

 Well another day with no computer. I love my Blackberry, don't get me wrong, but it's no iMac. I miss having an entire planet worth of information, essentially, at the tips of my fingers. I miss being able to edit photos (which I am still taking but can't do anything with right now). I miss my music :( and I'm quite disappointed that this photo blog is lacking photos right now; I'll make it up at the end of the 365 days by extending the project I guess.

Creeper no creeping!!

I don't really feel safe anymore. Skipping the details of the day I'll just say that today was the arraignment and he'll most likely be out this coming Tuesday.

My hard drive is chilling in a container of rice on the desk where the Mac once sat :( and I need a nap.

heeeere fishy fishy fishy!!!!

still no photos here, sorry :(
I found my iMac in the Saco River today and the Biddeford PD and FD fished her out :) I am SO happy for that, now to just come up with the money to address the hard drive.

seriously!?

Well there wont  be a photo today and I'm very disappointed about that.
Fucktard, AKA Steve Reny, my ex boyfriend and stalker broke my living room window and stole my iMac today. He was arrested shortly after a neighbor called to report the break in. When I have something beside my phone to type on I'll gladly eaborate.

Twenty-eight

I've been holding my breath for 4 weeks.

I suppose it's time to breathe again.

Great song, if you can ignore a juvenile slideshow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGIXnC34H3c

Happy birthday to me!

Oh yeah, it's a cake :)

I'm 33.. I think I'd need a burn permit for 33 candles on my cake though ;)

I love glass :)

Breaking & Smashing.
Scoring & Cutting.
Grinding & Shaping
Drilling & Polishing.
Buying & Selling.
The lazy 2 hours watching the temperature of the kiln, making sure it doesn't heat up too fast.
The blast of 1500 degree heat when I flash cool the kiln.
I just love it; art therapy :)

:D

:)

Funtastic

whatever it was won't happen again

Yeah, a funtstic night.. I'm wounded. I guess I fell down?

Nothing pretty about the flu

Well two full days of feeling like this is certainly enough! Sweating, chilled, my entire head hurts-even my teeth, my lungs are on fire and the sneezes have moved into a painful place :( To top it off, I haven't seen Sabrina since Tuesday morning so this is day 3 of reporting her missing. This is how it works, she leaves for school and just doesn't come home, I report her missing to the police. The next day when she shows up to school, the missing persons report is cancelled because she's technically not missing anymore; 230 comes and goes and she's not home so I report her missing again. Today was a little different though; the school called me to say that Sabrina vandalized the ladies room- she covered the bathroom with liquid soap and kicked the mirror (I would guess it's broken). She doesn't know it yet (or maybe she knew exactly what she was doing) but she's suspended. I wonder what she's going to do now. I wonder what kinds of people these parents are that let her stay with them; I wonder what kinds of tall tales she tells them about what it's like being at home. I wonder what her plan is for the next week not being able to go to school and not wanting to come home.

spicy thai food to chase away a fever? worth a try

Pajamified & couch-bound

Don't you just hate it when you're sick and the world won't stop for you? 

This is my standard "not in the mood" pose

Zzzzz...

I need some extra sleep tonight; feeling happy, but run-down.

I have no guilt about taking naps :) 

Momday

Monday is Mom day, I get to either do what I want to or what I need to do, but usually it's a mix of the two. Sometimes I wish there were three of me.. one to clean, one to run errands and one to do whatever the heck I want to.. but there's only one of me; I better make the day a good one! So I'm packing everything I need to do with the things I want to do into the next 6, I'll be exhausted and asleep by 7 ;)

if there were three of me, I'd drive myself crazy!!

Is it Monday yet?

It felt great to cut some glass today. I had everything packed away safely so a cute little toddler wouldn't get hurt; you know what they say, "out of sight, out of mind". Well it's all unpacked now and I'll probably have a batch in the kiln tomorrow :) I've got a couple of custom orders in the process that inspired other new pieces.. I LOVE GLASS!!

I don't know who that strange person is 

Day 136

... only 229 days to go before I complete this project.. I think it's going to be very interesting in the end to see have a visual and written record of my year.. you know, when I actually write what really happened on that day ;)

hm, I'm looking mighty froggy tonight ;) that always gets me into trouble, haha!

Friday Pt. II

Friday Pt. I was pretty busy and now I'm off again!

peace

Merlin S1E1-4

Taking a lazy, couch potato night (my couch is just about the color of a potato, so I suppose it fits) ... I'm tired and my head hurts; perhaps it's because I haven't had any water today... well I have but I doubt that the water in my coffee counts, oh well, tomorrow I'll bounce back and hit the town ;)

frozen pizza it is!... well, that's actually a photo of me, but I'll be making frozen.. . . . you know what I mean!

To blog or not to blog

There are so many questions, options, variables... guesses, mysteries, chances... paths as numerous as spokes of a bicycle tire and then some... your feet carry you in one direction, your eyes divert you somewhere else, your head your heart your gut- all fighting to guide, drag and force you along...

..masked intention and selfish motivation are the vehicles of broken spirits.. 

Anyone?

Would anyone like to write my blog today? Feel free to say whatever pops into your head in the comment box below the photo.

Dinner & an Inauguration

I'm a trooper... edit, of course

It's been an interesting/challenging day for me and I'm still in one piece.. Can't wait to see what tomorrow does to me ;) it's going to be a loooong one!

*of course I felt the need to edit... I'm not even entirely sure why... I think I might brainstorm tonight about possible topics to write about... I have thought about it off and on over the years, "it" being the possibility of writing a book... I wouldn't be expecting a masterpiece but I do like to write (when I have direction) and I think the reason this blog can sometimes be a challenge, it's because so off-the-cuff that I draw a blank... I'm going to brainstorm tonight and maybe my new years resolution this year will be to write at least a page a day for the year... sounds lofty for chick that is already spread so thin, but I'm a friggin' rockstar; didn't anyone tell you?*

Corner Office 

Fries and mayo... who knew

It's becoming more and more difficult to write for this blog; I think it's probably because my days are so similar that it would bore you to tears. The things that do stand out as noteworthy are not necessarily blogworthy or entirely appropriate to share.

I suppose what I just wrote isn't entirely true: last Thursday I went to trivia at Champions and stayed to listen to karaoke and play pool. Friday I went to Bebes for a while then off to Champions again to finally hear JB5; that was a great night! Saturday was cool too, had coffee with a new friend, walked on the beach, snapped a few good photos and picked up Sabrina from the crisis unit. Today was Samantha and Kennys baby shower, it was a great turn out with great food and people. At this particular moment I'm wondering why I decided to have Burger King for dinner... that stuff always leaves me feeling tired and gross.

So there it is, my days aren't entirely identical... I just don't tell you everything ;)
My goal for the rest of the evening is to relax in my sweats and finish my book so I can start a new one.

You know I love you.. not you, jeez... over there, yes, YOU!

Project 'Pajamafication'

a great day

The striped sock of happiness...

I'm not sure what to say tonight; there are probably 96 thoughts running through my head as sit here... at Bebes... having a drink... trying to blog from my phone.

... I reach out... and say 'leave me alone' at the same time...

There she goes.. edit (of course)

...there she goes again...

**I have people telling me to give it time, wait it out, it will come around. I don't know what to say to that; I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. There is no time, no waiting and if something was going to "come around" maybe it would have already. I'm not ashamed to say I'm disappointed and depressed over this. I won't beg and I won't crawl because I'm worth the effort, just like he is; what a lucky guy to find a woman who thinks he's amazing just the way he is. This is a subject I will never mention here again. What a sorry, bruised heart I own.. tucked away, in what I thought was a safe place, but still hurting. What a sorry excuse for an organ you are, stupid heart.**

.. and I just can't contain...this feelin' that remains..

It's a boy!

But it's not mine :)

What a difference just one day (and a good nights sleep) can make!

Look out world! I'm back!

*okay, so maybe I'm not back full force.. I'm still missing someone.. a specific someone and distraction only goes so far*

You're lucky I'm holding a baby right now.. or, or.. I don't know.

Hand-written notes II

When I wrote Hand-written notes, having someone jot down "no man could ever love you" was not exactly what I had in mind. I'm sorry I ever open that line of communication again; FUCKTARD. Your asshole opinion couldn't have come at a better time, sheesh!

fan-fucking-tastic

Day 124

I am in a blogging rut.

It's not a lack of thoughts that keeps me from blogging my little heart out; maybe it's a lack of courage? 

I know it probably seems that I share everything that crosses my mind.. I don't.

I ration out bits and pieces of thoughts and feelings.

Sometimes I come up with a few paragraphs in the last few moments as I run out the door, sometimes I stare at the screen for a few hours and only produce one. lame. sentence.

There are times that I'm so busy over-thinking what I'm thinking and feeling that I can't organize my thoughts enough to share them; other times I'm so flooded with an emotion, be it positive or negative, that what ends up pouring from my hands needs a decoder.

Sometimes I come back to a post, usually within hours, and add, delete or change things-so pay attention or you might miss something good ;)

No matter what I write I'm confident in my 'voice'; I know that those of you that actually know me and take the time to read this can hear me. You hear my voice, know my facial expressions and can see the happiness, irritation and sadness in my body language... hahahahaha!!!

 I'M IN YOUR HEAD!!

what's on the agenda tonight?

Magic my ass

Sand in my eyes and lead in my chest. I know I'm not doing a good job at faking indifference, but staying distracted seems to be a good start.

they're just hands, nothing magical, ha. ha. ha.

Forced busyness

It's been a long, hard, busy, exciting, disappointing week. I'm exhausted but I can't and won't stop.

I don't like this, and that just made it worse.

Stupid blog

I'm feeling pretty self-destructive lately.

Not Brians best work, but I don't care very much today.

Just sayin'

Don't mess with the cook. Unless you have mixed her a drink.

Females are more likely to poison someone than squish them with a potato masher.

My plan (still) sucks

Well I saw that coming from a mile away and I'll admit I'm more than a little disappointed. Perhaps the fact that I have so much stress in other parts of my life is a blessing in disguise at this point; I don't have a lot of free time to think about being disappointed.

**I wrote those previous thoughts this morning and very soon realized how inaccurate they were; I have plenty of time to think of how disappointed I am, and I thought about it all. day. long.**

So my plan is based loosely around getting back in the groove creatively with what free time I can scrape together and in doing that, hide from the world... or I'll just keep drinking. This might be the fastest I've felt the need to edit a post... I don't like this plan. I was okay with things. Without getting all 'doom and gloom' here, I'm not feeling like a shiny happy person right now.

photo by Cory Brennan... thanks pal, great job

_DSC2613.NEF

Sometimes I wish there were three extra hours in each day, two to do whatever I want with-like take out my camera, read, fuse glass, watch a chick flick or write, and one to put toward sleep.

I need a little extra laughter today, lots of smiles and a hand to hold; I know, I'm all sappy under my crunchy bitchy coating... I can't help it :) it's me.

I know that you don't know, it's okay.

Thanks for asking...

Well, since you asked how my day has been... oh wait, you didn't... oh well... 


I spent hours waiting to hear from the hospital, then hours at the hospital, then another hour transporting and checking Sabrina into the crisis unit at Sweetser... again.


I need to be wrapped up in a pair of strong arms for the evening; a safe place to stay warm where no one can hurt my heart. There doesn't seem to be any safe place for me lately; I'm weary and restless.... 


......and I have to take a stupid photo of myself.


I'm making Thanksgiving dinner this year.. it will be yummy but the boys don't really appreciate the effort. Sabrina will be at Sweetser, my friends have their own things going on and so does the rest of my family... So I will spend an entire day preparing a feast for two boys who will only want pie and pickles and for myself who will be so tired of looking at food by the time it's done that I won't even have any. Joy. What the hell.

no... I feel bad

I was made to be broken... 
             have you ever heard bones snap?... 
that sick feeling in your stomach... 
                                          .....that feeling is me.

It's a day... edit

Sundays are so nice, Mondays are better ;)

lazy

**you know what? I hate that person in the photo you see.. she acts so tough, strong, competent.... she fucking hates herself... it's all a show... she hates herself for not having control, for being so soft, being weak.. she never asks for help but is mad because she's on her own and no one helps... it's stupid, I know.. every time she says she hates something, it's because she hates herself... you're better off to stay away**

stay away

Day 115

I don't want to blog.

I had a great morning, a great afternoon and now I'm going to have a great evening.

shhh... don't bug me tonight.

Anywho

Tonight should be interesting...

... as good as it gets ...

Monotonous meltdown

I'm starting to feel a lot like I did 6 months ago, like an island; not really doing much aside from going to work and coming home, trying to act like I'm okay with that.

It's dark out at 4pm... I'm chilled to my bones... bored... tired... kinda lonely... the colder it gets, the less motivation I have... I just want to take a steamy shower, get in my sweats and snuggle under a warm blanket on the couch... sounds simple enough, right?

I'm going to fake indifference now.

how am I doing?

3.62

It was about this time last year, mid November, that I submitted my last assignment and finished two years of college. It was the next day that I felt exhausted, totally and completely exhausted. An entire year later and I'm still exhausted everyday, it sucks.

I would like to hide out for a while. I'm not feeling very confident in some areas of life and I just want to rest.

feeling sort of numb about it all

Unreachable I am

Stuffing myself with spaghetti and meat balls then getting pajamified I am.

Growing weak, the force is.. yes... 

So. Nice.

It was so nice at the beach today. So. Nice.

I had such a great day today and surprised myself several times when I realized I was smiling for no reason :) Or maybe there was a reason ;)

okay, now I see the benefit of using a flash even when it's sunny :)

Interruptions

I was going to take a quiet 5 minutes to spit out a half way decent blog, but it looks like Brian has other plans for me. As soon as I choose a direction for todays blog he asks a question or shows me something requiring me to pay attention.. I don't feel like paying attention right now. Eh, I suppose that's just the way it is.

Did you know that....
I hate it when....
It seems like everyday....
You do the same things....
Over and over and over and over and over....
But you really don't get anywhere....

But I wake up hopeful anyway.. 

Hand-written notes

I'm not really feeling super-fantastic today. I've got the asshole kind of butterflies in my chest, not really sure what to do about that. There isn't much I can do I suppose, just live this moment, forget the past and never mind about the future.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conversation that happened between silly giggles and moments of silence that left me wondering if I'm the emotionally retarded one; really wondering if that is, in fact, the case. It's entirely possible.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My heart needs to go on vacation... so here's the deal... I've gently packed it behind some very thick walls where it will be safe and sound. If it is necessary for you to reach said packaged weakness, please jot down a hand-written note and I'll be sure to pass it along ;) Until its return, please rest assured, it's business as usual; you probably won't even notice a difference :)

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:)

The Hunt for "The" Red October?

n" Stuff!

;)


... well that's what I get for asking a man to write my blog... I know, I deserve it for not doing it myself ;) ... today was okay, tonight was interesting...

Mike says it's national metal day, but I don't know about all that shit... LOOK OUT THERE'S AN IRISH MAN BEHIND MY CHAIR!!!

"you don't like zucchini?"... "actually I'm very allergic to it.  JUST KIDDING!"

Is it 2015 yet?

It's been another long day.
I don't really have much to say here, hopefully I'll snap out of it soon. Sorry.

I'm a little bummed I didn't get to see Turkey Butt today :(

My advice to you

Why don't you go outside and play go hide and blog yourself :)

Song stuck in my head? Runaway, The Corrs

Rockstar headache

I've had the mother of all headaches since earlier this afternoon, there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.

I picked up Sabrina from the crisis unit yesterday where she spent 9 days; it didn't make one bit of difference. I have to say I'm not all that surprised that she didn't come home after school today; back to calling the police everyday and reporting her missing. Joy.

I had a great lunch with my favorite guy :) Voted :) and there is a delicious smelling chicken roasting away in the oven :) Who's hungry?

Day 104

I'm sleepy

It's been a long day, there have been a lot of long days lately... sometime I'll fill you in on the details but for now I'm just going to get pajamified and relax :) here's to a good night's rest ;)

snuggly warm

I've got a feeling

I woke up this morning feeling like there were big changes coming. The last time I felt this way it was only a few short weeks before those big changes started taking place. I won't get into the details because they weren't all that pleasant, but in the end it was all for the best. Something is happening behind the scenes ;)

The air smells so crisp and sweet today and I feel an inch taller than yesterday. I love fall.

I feel great today!

Appreciation

In the past couple of months there have been a handful of mornings that included sleeping in followed by eggs, coffee and conversation across the table; simple enough, but they stand out to me. I said out loud after such a morning how nice it was, that it felt good to spend that kind of time together and immediately I felt thankful and embarrassed at the same time. 

I was thankful simply because I've really never had encounters like this, I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's entirely true. To just have 20 minutes to have a real conversation, no distractions, with a person that, like me, can be serious and silly in the very same sentence is a gift. 

I think the embarrassment came from the realization that in the almost 33 years I've been alive, I never had something that millions of other people have and take for granted. I felt poor in that moment, realizing for the first time I was missing something basic; it was a bitter-sweet moment. 

now this is a bad photo, haha!

100 days of Jessness!

I'm shocked and amazed that I've stuck with this project for 100 days straight; only 265 more to go.... ouch.

Anyway, I feel great today!

.... sitting with my back to the sun and enjoy the sound, intention pulled from thin air. Warm and comfortable behind me, the sun is warm but the moon dances, pulling, grinning, tempting. The sun smiles but promises nothing... no promises from anywhere..

he's not creepy, he's just weird 

Oops, my bad

For some reason I thought today was day 100 of this silly blog.. it's not, tomorrow is though ;)

I had a busy, overall decent day today but all of a sudden my head hurts; maybe because I haven't eaten in 12 hours?

I promise to put an effort into breaking away from the "two sentence blog" thing I've been doing lately.

Where's the party

It's been a mostly uneventful day so far. Some smiles, a little flattery, phone calls, text messages. Nothing super-exciting. I'm feeling a little too stationary the past couple of days, I think it's time to get out of the house for something besides work and kids :) so what is everyone doing on this fine Wednesday.. I need something to do.

art therapy

That was a very strange statement today... strange indeed...

"There you go.
Once again.
You missed the point.
And then you point
Your fingers at me.
And say that I've said not to believe.
... I believe." (well I did, not that it matters now)