Getting lost

I'm amazed at how hours can go by in what feels like an instant when I'm submerged in a project.

I spend a lot of time flipping through and working on my own photos, it's very different sifting through other peoples memories. There are smiles, stares, babies, birthdays, blurry kids that just won't sit still. Vacations, visits, camping, familiar faces and strangers. There are yellowed black and whites, bleeding pinks and blobs of blue, over exposed, jagged edges, missing corners and photos that look like they were taken yesterday.

I love this.

True story.

Yeah

I'm glad today is over...

... and yes, I cheated, this photo is from sometime last month ;)

goodnight 

I wish

I wish my scanner was working... but it's not so I'll buy a better one special for photos :)
I wish I didn't feel so tired... but I am so I'll get pajamified early and chill out for the night :)
I wish my kids listened better... but they don't so I'll just keep repeating myself :|
I wish someone would buy this lens... but there are no bites, so I'll just hang onto it :|
I wish I didn't have to cook dinner... but no one else here knows how to bake salmon so that's that :|
I wish, but...
I wish, but...
I wish a lot of things... but wishing and hoping for yourself doesn't seem to do a thing in the long run.

SO

I wish you would sleep better at night.
I wish you and you lived closer... that sounds like a wish for me but it's for you :D
I wish you smiled more.
I wish you had a million dollars ;) *of course you'd have to share it with me*
I wish you had a job that you LOVE!
I wish for you to have a quick and painless delivery (I'd wish you a girl if I thought it would work)
I wish you took better care of your liver ;)
I wish you didn't put so much pressure on yourself.. you know who you are

I'm going to start dinner and find some snuggly warm pj's

if you weren't mentioned, I still wish good things for you... I'm tired, don't give me a hard time ;)

Well then...

Who sits in their car in February, cranks the heated seats and eats an M&M sundae? Well me of course, silly!

Today was a good day, I got lots of cleaning done around the house, lots of laundry, some reading, groceries. Aunt Tracie came by with some of Neenas things for the kids and I. Also the first batch of Neenas photos were left in my care; I'm going to scan everything, design a presentation for her memorial service and make copies of the presentation for everyone; it's going to take me a while, I'll see you all in April.

:)

is it Momday yet?

Another random day

Sleep until 10. Check
Clean my desk. Check
Frame & hang some photos. Check
Hang with the boys. Check
This, that and the other thing. Check
Rehydrate. Check

My life has turned into one big to-do list lately, I'm not sure how I feel about that. I feel so bombarded sometimes by phone calls and appointments that I don't know what I should be doing first.

I'm having seriously mixed feelings about some specific people lately and I have some things to talk through for sure, to sort out and understand better.. I don't know where or with whom to begin... I guess I'll make another to-do list....

I think it's a little funny that a person can be as open as I am, yet no one really knows everything about me. No one. Is that normal? It's not that I try hiding things, it's just that some things just don't come up. It would be pretty strange if I just went around listing random facts about myself like that, yeah, I do actually play guitar (not very well though), I think kisses are super-intimate and very erotic and that I like everything I eat (except vegetables) well done. See how strange that was?

The dialogue that is running through my head right now might not be blogworthy and is probably more scattered than what I've written thus far, so I'll stop here.

genuine Jess.. just ask if you want to know

Who needs rest.

I intended to stay in tonight. I've been burning the candle at both ends this week it feels like. Between driving back and forth to see Sabrina, one of my grandmothers passing away, photo projects, visiting with friends, talking with the police, drinks with Dad, talking with the D.A., work, taking Lily to the vet, the kids are on vacation and other miscellaneous happenings I'm exhausted.. But hey, tonight is the Artwalk.. that will keep me off the couch and away from my book for another night ;)

I'll sleep tomorrow or something :)

10:35 pm

It's not an early bedtime, but compared to the last week it might be.

:)

Yo

Yeah, I've got better things to do... later

Add caption

Neena

What a long road. After so many years it must be hard to let go and trust that the humans you raised who raised humans, some of which are raising even more humans can handle things, you don't have to worry. We will screw up, stumble, be hated, loved, understood and forgiven; we'll laugh, cry and laugh some more. We each carry a bit of your heart, your stubbornness and most of us have a touch of your sarcasm- others, myself included, have tons of it. We may all come to the end of our time wondering if we did a good enough job, I think that's normal. You did a great job, we will too.

See you later alligator. I love you.

May the force be with you

Let me just say that today was such a great day! I got an extra hour of sleep :) out of the blue 2 appointments cancelled so I had plenty of time to dive into my next book :) met with a mentor from UNE for Brian, they're going to the skate park next week :) took 100+ photos :) and then some ;)

if it isn't broken don't fix it.. if it is broken grab an ice pack and a sling.. 

Cluttered

It's time to clean my desk again.. I can't move

but I really don't feel like cleaning my desk.. 

Nothing to say

I like stripes :D

that is all...

Violated

It's been hard for me lately to enjoy taking photos like I used to.

I crave it, the whole process; lugging the gear around, discovering things that catch my eye, composing, shooting, shooting some more, dumping everything into the computer and spending hours editing, playing, processing.

Lately when I have my camera with me all I can think of are the photos that I lost, that it looks like I'll never get back. All that work, vision, time, memories, all taken from me. I know logically that I just need to get over it, emotionally I feel like I was raped.

I'm too tough to let this keep me down for too long though. I'll keep snapping away, even though it doesn't feel the same... hopefully it will get better.

I won't go down without a fight

Lacking

The lack of sleep for the night is going to hurt tomorrow.. or today,..... goodnight... good morning, whatever.

Turn the page

Ahhh... after a steamy shower and comfy pj's, the next best thing is finishing one book and moving on to the next in a series :)

only a few pages left! yay!

V Day

Just another day :) except I bought myself a gift, of course. I went to have a drink with a friend and ended up doing dishes at work, haha, I'm glad I didn't have a date because now I feel gross! I'm taking my book and going to bed.. I know I say that a lot, but it's something I do a lot ;)

look at that, I could crush my own head.... you know, if I wanted to ;)

Okay, so I'm < 98%

I had a good, productive day today. I got 3 appointments out of the way, did some laundry, took my photo, pumped up my tires (again), placed some orders, sold a necklace, had dinner with my bud Tony, watched Dr. Who with the boys and played 'Rock Paper Scissors' with Curtis.

I felt pretty good most of the day aside from a stuffy nose.

These are the things that either left me winded, or weak... driving, talking, laughing, folding laundry, eating my salad (Tony pointed out laughing how my hand with the fork drooped then dropped to the table, glad I could keep you entertained) 'Rock Paper Scissors' and putting my jacket on.

Needless to say, I'm going to take it easy for a couple more days :)

eating M&M's and taking my own photo did not make me weak ;)

Day 200!

Wow, I've been so busy lately that I didn't even see Jessness day 200 sneaking up on me. A lot has happened since that first entry at the end of July, my first photograph was of my feet, I'm not sure why.

After that first photo so much has happened; I'm glad I've been keeping track of my life over the past 200 days, I've been a busy girl. 

I've had my photos hung in a local gallery, I've been happy, angry, devastated, lighthearted, depressed, intoxicated, I've taken smiling photos, crying photos, photos with attitude, indifferent photos, photos of my socks and even a nude photo. I've been stressed out and completely relaxed, I've had some middle of the road days right along with the highest highs and lowest lows. I've had a couple of great birthdays, of course only one was mine. I've had my apartment broken into and fished my computer out of the river. I've eaten lots of tasty food and had tons of fun with my best friends. It's certainly going to be interesting at the end of this project to see all the different things life has thrown at me, and of course all of those things I throw at myself ;) Of all the smiles and frowns the thing that stands out the most is how much my hair has grown!

hi. my head hurts. lots of love though :)

Are we there yet?

I'm feeling much better now after 24+ hours laying down, lots of water and a variety of tinctures from AOK Herbals, that stuff works wonders. I've got a busy week ahead so I'm going get back to the whole resting thing :)

is it the end of the week yet?...

... the week that hasn't technically started yet ;)

Burn baby Burn!!

Sharp goosebumps on burning skin, pounding head and ice for bones :(

When the day comes that I don't have to get my own ice water and make my own tea when I'm sick I'll remember today and be thankful.

today I'll be thankful when this fever breaks

Poopy jess

Why is it that I feel healthy and peppy when I don't have much to do but the moment things start to pick up I get knocked on my butt with a cold? It's just not right :(

I see a weekend full of hot tea, books and naps in the near future.

I'm going to make the most FANTASTIC chicken soup EVER tomorrow!

Peppy jess

I'm sitting at home listening to some music. I did some cleaning while the boys are gone and now I'm hoping to have enough to say to finish this here bloggy-blog before they bust through the door with all their crazy motions and sounds. Sometimes it's hard to be in the same room with those two, haha! CRAZY KIDS!!

I had a nice conversation via text this morning that made my day just a tad bit brighter :)

I usually don't remember what I dream, but this past week has been out of control! I dreamt of a wide variety of things last night and had to keep waking myself up as a reminder it wasn't real.. some of it was kind of dark and scary, some was exciting and fresh and of course I dreamt of birds killing pigs. I need to cut back on that game; tonight will be filled with books instead of Angry Birds.

chopping and grooving to some tunes :)

Stuck in the zone

I wanted to get to bed early tonight with my book, early to me is 9ish, but I got stuck in the Angry Birds Zone... I need to go out on a date or something and get the hell away from this game! haha! The zone was broken a little while ago, I was happily going along killing pigs with birds and a man drove by my apartment and yelled "BITCH!" Now, that might be something you'd hear in this area in the summer, but for some reason it's not common in the winter. If it were a different time of year I probably wouldn't have even noticed, and not that I'm assuming it was directed at me, but it put me on edge. The man could have been anyone, or someone. Am I becoming one of those people? You know, the paranoid person who jumps when the cat sneezes? Sheesh! Best to be distracted yet aware.. is that even possible?

I see you!

I like food :)

... well I do ... I think I've been overindulging lately with the comfort food, I'm feeling a little thicker in the middle, haha! It's time to change things up a bit ;)

..speaking of changing things up a bit.
I really need to stop using the webcam for my photos so often

Therapy

The following is out of the ordinary, but at this point I think it will be therapeutic. I usually don't remember my dreams but lately they've been very vivid. From spiders and ants to napping with polar bear cubs in the sunshine and other juicy, heart-racing dream content, I've spent my days lingering in dreams; most of them aren't that great though. Over and over I see a broken window, over and over I'm cleaning up dust from finger printing around the house, over and over I'm getting the news that a huge chunk of my life went into the river, and I'm looking into the cold, rushing water but can't reach it (in my dreams it's a large book, but I know it's the computer).

I don't know what to say tonight.. I'm so angry right now.. I don't know where it came from, what triggered it, or why it's still there.. Steve, I'm so angry with you, still... Everything you did to me, took from me... Everyday that I look over my shoulder.. Every simple freedom, peace of mind and documented thought, feeling, photograph that you stole from me.. I think about it everyday and I've tried to just let it go, I've tried to convince myself that it's okay, they were just snapshots and I'll just deal with looking over my shoulder all the time.. but I can't, it's exhausting and I really don't believe they were just snapshots and I'm tired of being so anxious... they were memories, they were art, life, love, friends, they were pieces of my life, moments and occasions that I'll never see as clearly as I could before. They were a part of me and you just smashed through my window, stole it and threw it in the damned river!?

You stole more than just a stupid computer that day; you stole my sense of security, you stole my memories, you stole hours and hours and hours of work. I know you read this blog, and maybe you don't care but I don't feel safe anymore, it's not my fault you do these things; for whatever reason you're not able to stop and think just long enough to control yourself, you've proved it over and over.. what is the next thing to go into the river, me? Stop trying to talk to me when you see me, pretend I'm not there.. I want to forget all about you.

I have better things to do than feel this way

Simple things

We all know that striped socks make me happy; I suppose it's the silliness of it all. Life can be entirely too serious, living life with striped socks on my feet reminds me that I don't have to take everything as seriously as one might think; life plus a little silliness creates a better balance for me.

I don't know what it is about stripes (or frogs) that make me happy but I'm just going to go with it ;)

what can I say, I'm a stripe addict I guess... 

Life

I had a great night with some great people :) who would have thought that 6 people singing Pink Houses, Satisfaction and Lights at the top of their lungs in a van on the turnpike on their way home at 1:30 am would be so much fun. You guessed it, I don't get out much, haha! Maybe that gives me a different perspective than other people my age; maybe I enjoy, with childlike happiness, things that other people have done one hundred times before. Maybe I have sheltered myself a bit... but I'll take it :) I have lots to look forward to.

 I have to say, I find todays photo interesting, I know that my eyes change colors; sometimes they're really green, sometimes brown, sometimes green with a yellow ring... but today they don't look like they match and one is yellow(ish).. I'll look again tomorrow with some sleep under my belt, but I'm pretty sure that's yellow.

maybe it's just the lighting

An open book

Well, there it is... now everyone knows exactly what it is that I do at night.
At the moment I'm laying in bed with my book just inches away, it's patiently waiting for me to turn a dozen or so more pages before I fall asleep for the night.

I wonder what it would be like if we were all as easy to read as text on a page; our values, beliefs, intentions and truths on display for all to see; I imagine it would make a person feel naked. With all the answers written across someones face there wouldn't be any mystery about a person, nothing left to learn. Doesn't sound like much fun actually.. Then again, here I am posting a photo of myself everyday and filling the world in on some of the thoughts that run through my head, haha!!

I am a pretty open person (most of you already know this) but I'd like to think there's still plenty to learn :)

sweet dreams ;) 

Blogalicious

Thanks Uncle Butch for the blog title tonight.
I wish I had more to say other than I had a good day and a great evening with my family at Bebes for dinner and drinks.. but alas that is all I have to say, I need some extra sleep tonight so I'm abandoning my mother on the couch (her choice) and and going to bed :) love ya!

tomorrow is open mic. be there.