Rapid red

Sometimes I surprise myself... this morning it's the fact that I bought, and am wearing red nail polish. To some that might not come as a shock but to those who know me (which I find myself saying a lot here lately) it's unheard of. I wonder if there is any deep, profound, meaning of it all, haha! What could it mean that after 33 years of absolute refusing to wear red nail polish, I now embrace it? Probably nothing. Any thoughts on the matter?

After letting my day play out I have to say just this... I am missing someone. I want to curl up and take a nap with you. Maybe some other time.

I like the red.

TGIF

I'm so glad it's the end of the day on Friday :) It's been another tiring week that's left me feeling like I could sleep all weekend, and I may just do that... starting now.

yeah, I'm tired

Scanning

Well last month when I dove into scanning my grandmothers entire stock of photographs I did nothing but scan scan scan, which of course led to me being completely burnt out on the whole thing. As the deadline to have this presentation creeps closer I feel that I need to at least do something to move forward in the process; I resolve to take little chunks out of the stockpile of photos each day and before I know it I'll be done... that's the idea anyway, and I made good progress today.. lets hope I can keep up the momentum :)

:)

Zzzz

I have no energy to blog today; after reading a 400 page book in 5 hours I'm ready for bed.

creepin'

Sorry I kicked your toe

Things are strange lately, kids are strange, friends are strange, work is strange, my creative motivation is strange.. life just gets more strange by the day. Maybe it's just me maxing out on strangeness? Haha, that's entirely possible and anyone that knows me would probably agree.

These past couple of days I want to spend my time doing, well.. nothing. I don't want to do anything but hide in a book or sleep. 

I had these big plans to use the parts from the iMac that was pulled from the river and come up with some mixed-media art of some kind. But week after week of this broken p.o.s. in my space I just got more and more irritated about the whole thing, so I tossed it in the trash.

The whole thing has really messed with my head, especially lately. As if it wasn't enough to lose all of my photos, then taking photos lost its excitement, now I feel like I have to hide my blog?! Unbelievable. So on top of a lost sense of security that comes along with your home being broken into, on more than one occasion by the same person, being stalked and harassed, I've lost (temporarily) the creative outlets that I use to self-soothe, vent, express and work through this mess his repetitive craziness has made of my thoughts.

Eventually none of that crap will matter, I'm far too stubborn to let some jerk dictate how happy I am or how I express myself. First, take care of business.. Then, take care of me..

look at this ancient artifact that I found under some junk in a drawer :)
I wonder what's on it.

Take 5

I think all this business about my blogs being used against me by Steve and his lawyer has really put me over the edge. Not in an "oh my goodness, I've lost my mind" kind of way, or even a "that's it, I'm going to get you" kind of way; I just need a time-out. I'm putting myself on 'auto-pilot' for a while. I'll take care of what needs to be taken care of and hide my mind in books and movies and naps in my spare time; it's the only way I can realistically and temporarily escape from all these stressors right now.

boring

Book coma

I read all day today in my pajamas :) I started The Hunger Games late this morning and would have made it through the whole thing but my friend Frank is going to be moving out of town so we went to hang out tonight. So that's that, I get to blame Frank for not finishing the book? Yeah, I didn't think so.

yes, another photo sitting at my desk.. yippie

Flatline

I'm sad to see the statistics for my blog flatline like they have after just one day of not posting; I suppose it makes perfect sense though. No new posts = No views.. obviously. As we all know I'm usually full of mixed feeling about something and how I feel about the blog going underground for a while is one of those things right now. I'll come back to this another day, right now I'm off to have breakfast with my dad :)

I'm going to bed early tonight

Girls day out

Em and I had a good time today working on some Bebes stuff, chatting, shopping and stuffing ourselves with Indian food in the sun on Bebes back deck :) It felt nice to relax for a minute.... then up goes the blood pressure because he was released and is behind the building waving to my friends like it's just another day. Joy.

yeah, I'm SO impressed
however, I did have a great time hanging with Emily today :)

Self-Suspension

Sometimes the way the world works really gets to me.

Jessness is suspended until further notice... I'm still going to write and I'll take the photo everyday, but it won't be until sometime in the future that it will go public.

I'll still be working behind the scenes ;)

Unexpected

I dreaded having nightmares last night but slept like a rock with adventurous, interesting dreams.

When I heard the train through my open window I felt well-rested and thought to myself, "it's almost time to get up." Rolling over to look at the clock, I saw it was only 1am :) so back to sleep I went with the fan blowing cool air around the room. Last night was perfect sleeping weather.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got a call from the DA today, again... it looks like they're going to try to cut a deal and resolve this (all of it) tomorrow... I'm not feeling very confident about that. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Had the laptop with me when I went to see Sabrina, we had some fun with it.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then this one says it all. 

on the phone with the DA with the troops waiting almost patiently.
a sneak peek at why I'm always so tired.

Stupid compassion

Well after another chat with the DA today I'm pretty pissed off. Of course you would expect that the lawyer of a guilty person would make a victim look like the one at fault, but I've been beyond tolerant so far and I'm done with that.

I typed up a statement (because my penmanship sucks) about a phone call I received yesterday from the man-child.. he called me from my own workplace to tell me, again, why he does the things he does to me.. trust me it's always a bizarre conversation, the way he rationalizes his felonious behavior, he really doesn't understand why it's not okay. And yes, I let him talk.. if I don't he will just show up at my door.. I see a phone call as the lesser of two evils in this case.

When I was walking, typed statement in hand, to get in my vehicle and head to the PD, guess who followed me but then turned back when I got in my car.. yeah, big mystery, right?

Anyway, he's back in jail for the night at least; arraignment is first thing in the morning.

It's strange how I always end up feeling like a mixed bag of shit at times like this. Angry. Scared. Guilty. Anxious. Why can't I pick and choose when to be empathetic and compassionate, it's hard to shut that stuff off.

perhaps it's time you take me seriously eh?

Jess vs. spare parts

Today started out quite uncomfortably with two unwelcome phone calls but got much better after that.
I love Monday. I have the house to myself until 2, to do as I please, and today I made (and photographed) alphabet soup with iMac keyboard keys :) sounds strange, I know, but strange things make me happy.

:D

No matter how early I had taken antihistamines today, it wouldn't have worked. Sleeping with my window open last night sealed my fate. I've felt like there's milk weed shoved up my nose all day :/

I'm going to bed.

Blurriness...

I'm using my writing energy tonight to fill out a Victim Impact Statement for the D.A. and I don't want to take a photo.. but I did

blur

Not Irish

beer + train bridge + camera + too much sun = no good photos

so maybe...

more beer + camera - train bridge - sunlight = better, or at least entertaining photos?

I'll let you know how my theory pans out ;)

photo by Brian

Stupid jessness

It's all good

I think I've become far too skilled at pretending everything is okay.
I even confuse myself in the realization that I'll say here, now and again, that I'm not really okay but if you ask, I'll lie first to myself, and then to you... everything is not okay.
I ask you to please not waste your time pointing out that  you read my blog and know that everything isn't great, it won't get  you anywhere. Don't call, comment or private message; just let it be.
It's embarrassing to realize I'm not the super hero I try to be. I don't want everyone to know what my weaknesses are.
I'm not going to jump of a bridge or anything, but there are some changes I'd like to see in my life.
I just don't know how to make them.

yeah, everything is fine :)

Sleepy Jess

blah

You know you want some

it's pizza, get your mind out of the gutter ;)

Day 229 randomness

Feeling sort of lost and more than a bit confused over the past week.. I need a plan.

Lost 7 pounds.

Found hundreds of photos.

Took a 2.5hr nap.

My head hurts.

Did dishes and laundry.

Went into work on my day off to make pulled pork and salsa.

Didn't wash my car like I wanted to.

Did take myself out to lunch and a little shopping therapy.

Enjoyed driving with the windows open.

Didn't enjoy my allergies.

Made multigrain pasta with mushroom alfredo sauce.

Looked at the mess on my desk and tried to convince myself to clean it.

Blah Blah Blah.

Just Jess.. What else did you expect?

Hard to say

I had yet another great day, tennis, farm animals, drinks with friends.. it doesn't get much better than that.. but wait! there's more! Just kidding, there isn't anything else really...

.... except for this :) I want to give a shout out to all those couples that met when they were young and had the sense to just know they'd be together for the long haul; what a magnificent thing to marry your school-aged sweetheart.. I'm a little jealous ;) ... haha!... and to those who met your sweethearts but didn't do anything about it, you deserve a swift kick in the pants! Jeez, get your shit together already! hahaha!

I don't like this photo all of a sudden... hm, go figure

Yup, uh-huh

My friend John made this frog and gave it to me as a graduation gift last summer, love it :)

Under pressure

Sometimes just communicating with a friend helps me to look more closely at how I 'operate'.

I had a quick conversation with a buddy, via text last week (hey, it works in a pinch) about focus and motivation; it was very short but I hope it was at least a little helpful to them. In the guts of that quick chat I stated that "I need to be scattered to be efficient" and holy crap that statement has popped in and out of my head more times than I can count since then.

that is one broken-ass iMac

WTF

Do you every feel like you just want to disappear? Like what you want will never happen but you'll be bombarded with shit you just don't need/want... that's how I feel... it's like sitting next to a handsome, interesting man, but being hit on by a toothless jackass...

fuck it

Ribbit

yeah... I like frogs :) This one was given to me by my friend Robyn, she rocks!

Go figure

looking decent for only getting 2 hours of sleep last night.. can I go to bed now?

222

Blogerific!! Good thing it's a photo blog 'cause I got nothin' (except for terrible grammar)

less is more sometimes.. this is one of those times
I hope.

Sunday

BLOG!

Like a punch in the gut

It was a lazy, pajamified, day and I had such a great time tonight with friends old and new.

When I got home just now and put my keys in the depression glass bowl that was my grandmothers, next to the photo I took of her and her friends this past summer, I realized that I'll never get to talk to her again.

Aunti Tracie told me that as she was slipping away there was a conversation happening in the room about who hasn't called yet, Neena said "Jessica".... On one hand I'm glad she thought of me.. on the other... I feel like a huge piece of shit.. Had I known she was at the end, I would have in the very least called, had I known early enough I would have driven to her.. I didn't know, I just didn't know... I'm sorry. I just didn't know.

I don't want to do this stupid fucking blog anymore.

I have the hiccups

some days I feel great..... some, not so much... today was busy, anxious, flattering, comforting and the usual busy busy busy...

life escapes me.... I wonder sometimes.... there has to be more than this.... I guess I should just go with it.

it's hard to know what I'm supposed to do next... maybe design another tattoo?
:)

Holy photos batman!

Well I've been scanning old photos for a solid 6+ hours and I've got to say, I'm tired. This new scanner is slow compared to the one in my MFC that decided the other day to stop working. There are a few upsides though. First, I can load as many photos as I can fit on the flatbed, select them individually and end up with separate photos instead of a full page scan that I have to chop up later :) Second, the resolution is great, even wallet sized photos look fabulous enlarged, and finally I really don't have to do any editing, it restores the images right in the scanner and saves them looking great.. Of the 300 photos I've scanned I've had to take 4 to Aperture, literally.

All this concentration on photos that aren't mine leave me lacking in the enthusiasm department for my own photography. If I wasn't so tired I'd love to go out and take some night time snowy shots right now. But I'm going to grab my book and read in bed like an old lady ;)

can you really be busy and bored at the same time?
really? that's how I feel
busy
&
bored