It's mine

Yes, I look a little deranged... and no, you can't have my bacon..

Bacon Love. If I lick it, no one will eat it :)

Better late than never

From faux-hawks and flying kisses to hilarious wrong answers and tears of laughter, tonight was by far the best trivia night I've ever participated in. Can't wait until next week :)

yeah, I'm looking at you. punk.

Fail Blog

Yesterday was a complete fail on the blog front. Sorry.

I have too many things on my mind at this point to even bother trying to articulate. I'll try again tomorrow. Had a great night and met some groovy new people ;)

I don't even know what is going on anymore. 

Um

Oops, I forgot :(

Heather, Brian, Jess, Cory

Hey! Blog! hehehehehe.... Brian, that doesn't even look like you... that's a bit strange...

We're going places.. well maybe not.

A Hero & Dimpled betrayals

It's like two blogs in one!! Haha!

Have you ever been asked who your hero is? I have, I don't think I've ever had an answer... Hero is a hefty word, it's not to be taken lightly... Who is my hero... who swoops in to save me when I've gotten myself into a sticky situation? who inspires me to pick myself up when I fall down? who can I count on to know what to do when I feel broken? who is strong and brave and keeps fighting the good fight? .... I think I'm the hero of my own story, I also think I'm the villain ... I save myself from myself, protect myself from myself and kick myself in the pants when it's time to try again.. that silent sabotage I talked about the other day is just one way I'm-- well, I still don't know if I'm the hero or the villain in that situation but I'll figure it out one of these days ;)

Me being my own hero (and villain) isn't a solo act when I think about it; My soul is fueled by my insanely-wonderful family, my crazy-beautiful friends and thousands of other little things. Todays examples are the welcome silent moments in my mind, the warm sunshine and a cool breeze, a deep salad bowl, the kind of (almost embarrassing) smiles that are hell-bent on forming whether I want to show them or not*, singing in the car, a better than fine hug and new shoes :)

yeah, I'm better than fine ;)

*those can be evil little things; wouldn't you agree? Well not evil exactly; they are something of a betrayal in that I don't necessarily want to show the degree of excitement or happiness that I'm currently experiencing. Or, more often than not, the "betrayal" appears the moment I realize I've said too much and should have stopped already; I don't stop though because I've already embarrassed myself and it's easier to just finish what I was saying instead of playing the "oh never mind" game.

:p

It's been a long time since I've felt the need to heat up a cup of coffee at 430 in the afternoon but I'm feeling so sleepy. Today has been pretty uneventful so far; I went to work, bought groceries, came home, did some laundry and loaded Lion on the MacBook :) productive, but uninteresting.

I think I've decided to stick around the area on my kid free weekend that is coming up soon... I might rent a room at the ocean but more than likely I'll save my pennies and stay home but hopefully find something to do with two days of downtime. I can think of a few things I'd like to do, a couple of places I'd like to go and a face I'd like to see (in addition to the usual friendly faces I spend my time with, of course).

I think I'm going to go build with the Legos now- for some photography fun :)

Photo by Mom (my mom) :)

It was a good day :)

I look grumpy... I'm not :D

Jess, not Mom

As I do my best to catch up on laundry and other household chores I'm thinking about tomorrow, Monday, Momday. I've missed a couple of them recently because of appointments and the kids being on vacation... I like to get mundane chores out of the way on the weekend to free up my time for when the kids go to school... unfortunately their vacation continues into tomorrow, ha. ha. ha... another lost Momday... ho hum... I need a vacation..

I have a weekend coming up, one of those rare occasions that I don't have to be mom first.. I get to just be Jess for a couple of days... the problem is that I really want to get out of my apartment, I don't want to end up sitting around in my sweats all weekend, on my own couch watching chick flicks.. I want to relax, I want a change of scenery.. I want see a movie that isn't animated or PG-13, I don't want to have to worry about being home at a certain time or even sleeping in my own bed... I could stay with a friend, rent a room overlooking the ocean or drive a few hours and visit with a good buddy and his cat, Cat or Fetus or whatever he's calling it this week... and as much as I'd like to go away I don't think I can go too far, I don't have anyone to feed my cat, Lily.. if you were in my skin you would see how funny this really is.

I just want to be Jess, not Mom, for a few days.. just a whole lot of Jessness, is it really too much to ask???

ho-hum

Silent sabotage

Wow, I sure called it last night; the last time I looked at the clock before closing my book and going to sleep was 10:17pm when I rolled over this morning and looked at the clock it was 10:14am. I know it's a few minutes off but I'd call that a solid 12 hours of sleep and for years it's been a necessary part of my sleep pattern to have a night like that once a week.

Do you ever want to say something but don't because you don't know what kind of reaction you'll get? Or even worse, you think you know exactly the kind of reaction you'll get? I'm never quite sure if I'm saving myself from myself by keeping my mouth shut, or closing doors that I should walk through. Haha! There I go over thinking again.. must be a chick thing ;)

I'm alone in a room, the cat is talking to herself and I'm thinking about pie.

12-14 Hours

It has been a loooong day. Long story short I've thought about going to bed since my alarm went off this morning... The best thing about Fridays for me?? When the alarm goes on at 6am and I don't just hit the button to shut it up for 24 hours, I turn it off for the weekend :) 

I'm going to bed... see you in about 12-14 hours

Half-assed & Hiccups

I know, I know.. I totally slacked off yesterday with the blog.. not only did I not take a photo, I didn't share with you what I did manage to write. I'm sorry and I'll do better today, I hope ;)

Okay so I had grand plans of writing something earth-shaking but after a call from my long lost buddy John I'm heading out :) haha, sorry. I'll try to make up for it later ;)

I had fun with my friends tonight but walked home, suffering with hiccups the whole way, alone. It makes me a little nervous to be on my own like that now that I know there are cameras outside the building... So I walk a little faster... can he see me coming?.. will he see that I'm alone?.. will he try to stop me?.. I hate having to think about these things... The speed and determination of my pace will catch up with me tomorrow with sore feet and muscles from walking as fast as I can and being so tense... I try and try to just forget everything but it's not that easy... I feel naked at 1am alone on the street, naked and vulnerable... all my friends dropped off, one by one and then I was on my own, naked... again 

Eh

I need a nap. I slept great last night and had the usual two cups of coffee this morning but I'm still so tired. It's probably a combination of high pollen counts, a full belly after lunch and the fact that the kids are on vacation that's wiping me out at 12:20pm. I think I am going to give in and take a nap... I deserve a nap.

Today  has been weird.. I'm not taking a photo. Goodnight.

100 days left

This is a hefty stack of disks I've been working on for next weeks service, I'm about half way done... I'm tired.

I need a teddy bear to snuggle up with

Ouch

My chest doesn't hurt.. .yet.. my lips however :( looks like I need to reevaluate the SPF rating of my chapstick.

CBT

I need to start doing yoga again at least a few times a week, it felt so good.. I think I actually got taller, haha. I've been thinking there are several things I used to do that I'd like to pick back up on and the timing is perfect; I've started thinking about behavior replacements (it's actually called cognitive behavior therapy) for some habits I've developed over the past 8 months that I'd like to manage in a more responsible way. I'm off to a swell start, yes.. I said swell ;) I've got a list of all the things I enjoy doing but haven't been making the time for and I have clear, realistic expectations and goals for myself. Let the fun begin!

Cold hard cash

I was getting ready to step out of the house today and realized my wallet was missing. Not a good feeling; the first 5 minutes was annoying, the next 10 were nervous and by the time the search hit 30 minutes I was freaking out a little and ticking off all of the things that I had apparently lost :( The last place I had the wallet was at the grocery store yesterday and I have a habit of tossing it into a bag at checkout so sometimes it ends up in the fridge, so I checked the fridge and my stash of Hannaford bags, nothing. As I'm re-checking the car and coming to terms with the inevitable fact that I'm going to have to call the banks and credit card company I remember the bag of frozen items that I never bothered to unpack. I handed the bags to Brian and had him put them in the chest freezer so after 20 hours in the deep cold, my wallet and its contents are defrosting :) Phew!

cold hot dogs too..

Solar powered Jess

Oh my goodness, I'm so happy it's Friday.

I spent my morning in a state of self-analysis, moving slowly and deliberately, it probably looked like I was in some kind of fog.. maybe I was a little foggy. I came out of it though after getting some junk off my chest over a light lunch with a great guy.. thank you :) I left feeling lighter and not so gross.

I don't have much to say today.. well, I do, but I won't..

it felt SO good to sit in the sun for a while after lunch.. my back was so
warm, very comforting :)

Stop and think

I have to say, today has been great, I've caught myself smiling for no apparent reason more than once. While there were irritating, weak and even anxious moments I reminded myself that I have no control over what other people do, how they see or react to the world around them; I only have control of my perspective of each moment and how I choose to interact with my surroundings. It was a little difficult now and again but in those moments of realization, very liberating. So maybe there was a reason to smile after all. 

Love you my friends.

Couch bound

Holy hell, where did this depressed mood come from?? I've been feeling so good lately. One second I'm laughing with friends and the next I'm walking away without a word, not my usual behavior.

I see either a stretch of isolation coming on or I'll just keep burning the candle at both ends... I'll probably just keep on keepin' on and sprinkle in some isolation here and there.

tonight. isolation.

Myself

I wonder sometimes if no post is better than a boring post.
I wonder what will happen tomorrow.
I think every day about what my life might be like in 10 years.
I think people don't really want to hear the truth sometimes.
I try to just be myself.
I try to let people know I care.
I find it difficult to live in the moment.
I find myself smiling for no reason.
I feel that art is therapeutic.
I feel like I said "I" too many times in this post.

I wonder, think, try, find and feel... yup, that about sums it up...

Brian caught me taste testing :) sorry, he missed the dancing
.one should not dance with a large knife in their hand.

Hard to say

I've got so much to say that I'm just going to stay quiet.. trust me, it wouldn't make a lot of sense anyway..

hm... nothing

Night and day

I am rather enjoying my lazy Sunday, even more that last Sunday.

I slept like a baby last night and went for a quick walk early this morning, it was quiet, I liked it.. A couple interesting details caught my eye and I wished I had one of the cameras; of course I need to remember the camera in the iPhone is much better than the one in the Blackberry was and should use it more often.

I spent two hours updating and backing up both Macs today, took a late shower and got comfy and cozy in pj's fresh out of the dryer :) that's a good feeling.

This Jessness project is moving right along and after this post there are only 109 days to go. That sounds like a lot but after 256 days, 109 is a walk in the park :) I think when it's finally done I'll just give myself another photo blogging assignment, I'm open to suggestions if you think of anything.

I suppose I'll stop here since I don't have very much to say except .... I'm feeling pretty great lately.

that was day, ready for night?

:| goodnight moon

No trespassing

another day another photo...

"every artist is their own kind of crazy" ~Brian, he's so smart :)

I was thinking as I was out taking photos today, not of what I was doing, but of what I want to do.. it put a great big smile on my face to realize I was already doing it :)

I'm grateful to be able to do what I enjoy.
I'm grateful to have some truly wonderful people in my life.
I'm grateful to still get butterflies in my stomach now and again.

photo by Brian

Yeah but...

Someone told me recently that they get mad when I only post one sentence :) haha!

had to do it

Goodnight

blablabla

haha, apparently this is my "unexpected question" face. awesome.

Stupid allergies

oh goodness, it's time for an upgrade on the allergy meds...

shower. bed. book. in that order

Pollen packed and pajamified

The kids and I went to spend some time on the farm today, it's always so nice there. Of course the general pooh smell of a farm doesn't last long for me; after just a minute or two my sinuses are so congested that I feel like there are huge pieces of fluffy pollen in my nose. It's not long after that and my head is pounding and I just want to go to bed :(

Robyn stopped by for a quick visit, it was nice to see her.. I finished scanning all the photos, even the ones that Aunt Tracie brought by last night, haha!.. Cleaned my room, did some laundry and edited my new Dr. Who ringtone in Garage Band. I found myself not answering the phone right away because I wanted to hear the song, haha, so I clipped, looped and cross-faded it a bit.. wow, that sounded fancy, like it's complicated and I'm a pro.. haha, it isn't and I'm not ;)

I'd love to reveal a fantastic and creative photo for the day, something away from my desk, maybe even looking and feeling less puffy in the eyes and whatnot. It's not going to happen. Here's a photo of me eating greek yogurt. Daring, I know.

Haha, maybe I should start getting paid for product placement... 

I'm going to bed.

Flatline Pt II ~Tell me how you really feel

Okay, for whatever reason today is the day I have the energy to address (or ramble on about) my feelings about the whole 'invisible blog' thing. I'm quite angry but maybe there is just one, tiny positive about it. This is my logical, yet brief, attempt at finding a silver lining.

In temporarily restricting myself from publishing I almost feel a little extra freedom to say exactly what's on my mind instead of censoring myself as much as I do. I know it's hard to believe that in some of my more extreme and emotional posts I'm still holding back, but it's often true. This whole "delayed posting" thing I'm doing right now, I think, is going to give me a little more courage to tell it like it is. Which leads quite nicely into why I'm so angry about the whole thing...

I know the decision to go exclusively into "draft mode" was mine and mine alone but I almost feel forced at the same time. When I found out my posts were being  printed out to be somehow used against me in a legal setting I was shocked and confused; it didn't take but a few extra minutes to feel very much like I did right after the break-in. Violated.

So, this is what I have to say to you, Steve... paying attention?

Who the hell do you think you are? As if it's not bad enough that for close to two years you've made me feel trapped, anxious and nauseous; even before our relationship was over you became paranoid about all my friendships and I had to defend myself against what you imagined I was doing, literally, on a daily basis. You exhausted me, wore me down and honestly frightened me. But for some unknown reason I still felt bad for you, I still wanted you to be happy, feel good, have friends.. and that's why I stuck around, trying to be your friend. Feeling empathy and compassion for you was the biggest mistake I ever made; it wasn't my job to take on the role of protector. After everything you did I kept tolerating you, knowing that if I didn't, you'd just escalate.. if I don't stop when you approach me, you follow me.. if I don't answer all of your questions in triplicates you name-call, accuse and badger.. if I don't take your calls, you show up.. always the same cycle, over and over.. you want to know every detail of my ordinary existence.. tell me again and again and again how you feel (which never seems to really change).. why you keep doing things that get you into trouble over and over and nothing you say ever makes sense! It always leads back to the same conclusion, that it's not your fault.. somehow I'm responsible.


No, I'm not done yet... Listen up.
You've taken too much from me already and burdened me with your baggage on top of it. You stole my sense of freedom and replaced it with temporary panic whenever I see you in town. You stole my sense of security and replaced it with nagging worry every time I hear a noise outside my window at night. You stole parts of my life and memories when you fed my computer and my photos to the Saco River and left me depressed. You damaged me emotionally and now, in trying to defend yourself by making me look unafraid, you've taken how I process all the garbage you've put me through, my blog, and attempted to use it against me.


Just so we understand each other...
I know you so well and still you surprise me with your bizarre, erratic and dangerous behavior. You know me, so you know I mean every word on this page. I am done being compassionate toward you. I'm done managing my safety by tolerating you.

I'm taking back control of my life right now.

need a copy?

Lazy Sunday

... so lazy, in fact, that I've got nothing to say. I'm going back to my book now.

shh..